During our formative years, decorum, etiquette, and social graces held an unparalleled significance in society. Within the family and the wider community, a person’s standing was determined not by their material wealth, but by their humility and conduct. Our elders used to recite a timeless Persian proverb:
“Ba-adab ba-naseeb, be-adab bad-naseeb”
(He who possesses refinement is blessed with good fortune; he who lacks it is doomed to misfortune.)
The core essence of this philosophy is that a person’s true fortune or success is not derived solely from their intellect or wealth; rather, it is their humility and manners that elevate them to a position of peak respect in society.
Refinement is that subtle fragrance which endears your presence to others. Here, adab (decorum) denotes not merely polite manners, but education itself. In the pedagogical systems that predated our modern schooling, character development and etiquette were instilled well before academic subjects; education, in its truest sense, commenced with the teaching of decorum. Since contemporary education largely lacks this dimension, it has become imperative to acquire this learning independently.
In middle-class households, we were tutored from infancy on the minutiae of daily life—how to seat oneself for a meal, how to eat, how to comport oneself when meeting someone new, which garments to wear and how to carry them, and which remarks must never be uttered in public. I remember vividly the scoldings from my paternal grandmother for failing to mix my rice properly before taking an overly large mouthful. I remember my mother’s sharp rebuke for crossing my legs in the presence of an elder, and the furrowed brow of my maternal grandfather whenever I faltered in the proper cadence of reciting a ghazal. There were hundreds of such lessons.
Thus, for the benefit of my students, my juniors, and our children, I have launched this special series, where I shall write extensively on shangskar (inherited heritage), adab (cultural decorum), and etiquette. The values that govern our daily lives flow fundamentally from three distinct streams. The first is the indigenous heritage of this fertile delta—a code of conduct that has coursed through our society and culture for millennia. The second is that exquisite synthesis of Persian and Indian cultures, which we have deeply cherished and nurtured over the last few centuries. The third stream flows from Western civilization, serving as our vital link to the modern world.
If you desire to fashion yourself into a truly sophisticated individual, you must comprehend and regularly practice not only these three traditional streams but also contemporary global protocols. In each instalment of this series, we shall explore how to present oneself as a polished, world-class citizen.
To be sure, I intend to document the entirety of the training I received. However, I offer no guarantee that I have personally mastered or faultlessly practice every single tenet. Yet, I can say with absolute certainty that it remains a matter of conscious, daily endeavour.
I do not insist that the youth of today must blindly accept these words. Instead, to borrow the sentiment of the poet Sunil: “If it pleases you, wrap it around yourself; or, if you look upon it with disdain, cast it aside. Do as you will—but I harbour a profound desire to at least pass down to you the traditional training bestowed upon me when I was your age.”
And so, with the invocation of Bismillah, I commence this series.
Table of Contents
The Scope of the Series
To fully grasp the scope of our discussions, we must first clarify the practical applications of three foundational terms, while establishing the parameters of modern values and sensitivities.
Shangskar (Inherited Heritage)
Derived from Sanskrit, shangskar embodies our familial traditions, lineage, and bloodline. It refers to those virtues which, through relentless practice, have become permanently etched into our character. It speaks of ancestral nobility, answering the fundamental questions: “What manner of upbringing did you receive at home?” or “What did your parents instil in you?” It is our second nature. If the heritage inherited from your home happens to be deficient, it is entirely within your power to rectify it through conscious, personal effort.
Adab (Cultural Decorum)
Our ancestors blended Persian decorum with Indian heritage to forge a distinct lifestyle. Some refer to it as the “Ganga-Jamuni Tehzeeb”, others call it the “Indo-Persian Culture”, and some term it “Hindustani Tamaddun”. Whatever the nomenclature, it continues to flow vibrantly through our veins as an invaluable cultural legacy. Naturally, it forms a core pillar of this series.
Etiquette (Social Protocol)
Etiquette and manners dictate the outward rules of social interaction and formality—a concept heavily drawn from Western civilization. It encompasses external protocols such as table manners, dress codes, and public conduct. Dining with cutlery, telephone etiquette, and workplace protocols all fall under this umbrella. It operates much like an official protocol and, in our globalised existence, has become an undeniable reality of daily life.
Modern Values and Sensitivities
Global values represent a collective, universal moral consciousness that transcends specific religions, communities, or geographical frontiers, viewing the world as an undivided family. Its foundation rests upon a profound reverence for the inherent dignity, liberty, and fundamental rights of every human being. It ensures a person is not provincial, but rather a responsible ‘global citizen’. We must absorb this heritage to live with tolerance and empathy, embracing the immense diversity of our world.
The Structural Outline of the Series
Part I: Indigenous Heritage
This segment will explore the decorum rooted in our ancestral soil—the manners we absorbed through the strict, loving discipline of our grandmothers and elders.
- The Etiquette of Dining in the Bengali Tradition
- Comportment and Interaction with Elders
- The Decorum of Informal Household Gatherings
- Etiquette Concerning Domestic Staff and Personal Assistants
- Hosting Guests: The Timeless Sophistication of Bengali Hospitality
Part II: Tehzeeb & Tamaddun (The Indo-Persian Graces)
The overarching theme of this second part is nafasat—an exquisite refinement born of the historic interaction between Persian and Indian cultures.
- Nobility in Speech: Elegance Through the Magic of Words
- The Dastarkhan and the Mahfil: The Grandeur of the Assembly
- Attire and Personality: Reflecting Nobility in the Mirror
- Gifts and Gratitude: The Elegance of Mutual Exchange
Part III: Global Etiquette (The Western Protocols)
- Professional Etiquette: The Grammar of Survival in the Corporate Realm
- Dining Etiquette: Mastering Cutlery and Table Manners
- Digital and Social Media Decorum
- Punctuality and Commitment: Nobility Measured by the Clock
Part IV: Modern Values and Sensitivities
The fourth and crucial source of our refinement is contemporary global values. This does not emerge from a single geography or faith; rather, it is born of our continuous interaction with diverse cultures, genders, religions, and ideologies in this globalised era, alongside an urgent need to respect mutual human dignity. No matter how modern or ‘smart’ you claim to be, if you engage in body shaming, mock someone’s religious or ethnic beliefs, or lack sensitivity toward the differently-abled, an unrefined, parvenu element within you will inevitably surface. True sophistication does not merely lie in donning expensive suits or watches; it is found in learning to respect human differences in a diverse world, acquiring that delicate awareness which ensures no one is ever diminished by your actions. This chapter chronicles the essential polishing required to fashion oneself into a true global citizen.
- Body Shaming: Instilling the understanding that making jests about an individual’s physical stature, height, complexion, or weight betrays a thoroughly base mindset. Unsolicited remarks such as “You ought to lose some weight” or “Why have you gone so dark?” are nothing short of uncivilised. Read more…
- Religious Sensitivity: Refraining from mocking the religious beliefs or practices of others. Alongside practicing one’s own faith, it is paramount to remain respectful of other religions and avoid engaging in debates or jokes that wound religious sentiments. Read more…
- Racial and Ethnic Sensitivity: Ensuring that individuals from specific races, communities, or regions are never belittled. Diminishing someone based on their regional accent or ancestry is entirely contrary to the conduct of a polished individual. Read more…
- Gender Sensitivity: Respecting all individuals as equal human beings, irrespective of gender. This involves eschewing gender-biased clichés (such as “This does not behove a lady” or “Men do not weep”) and meticulously respecting the personal space of the opposite sex in both professional and social settings. Read more…
- Disability Inclusion: Extending equal dignity, rather than pity, to those who face physical or mental challenges. It requires respecting their specific needs and ensuring our conduct never makes them feel isolated or helpless. Read more…
- Digital Communication Etiquette: In the contemporary era, your online profile serves as your secondary curriculum vitae. Failing to grasp these digital manners will not only bar your entry into premier institutions but may well cost you basic social acceptance.